giữ nắng bên mình

Chúng tôi giữ nắng đến tận bây giờ :)

Mùa xuân chưa đến nhưng tôi đã muốn mua giày mới. Những đôi giày, đôi với tôi, chúng có sức hấp dẫn đặc biệt. Những đôi giày khiến tôi bước đi như một cô gái thực thụ. Và mỗi bước chân đưa tôi về với người tôi thương, những người mang theo nắng bên mình.

Khi gặp nhau làm quen, có lẽ chúng tôi đã không bao giờ nghĩ rằng đến giờ phút này vẫn có thể làm nhau cười vì những điều vớ vẩn ở trên trời nhất. And the greatest thing is to still be surprised by each other every day after all those years. Bây giờ, tôi vẫn chưa bao giờ nghi ngờ sẽ có lúc nào đó mình không quay trở về. Cuộc sống, gom góp tất cả lại, tôi thấy mình hạnh phúc.

Thực ra, tôi đã bắt đầu thôi nghĩ về những thứ tưởng chừng như cháy bỏng trong mình. Nhà văn, biên kịch,..không làm cũng được. Nếu có thể sống bằng những gì mình đã học và ngày nào cũng núp trong văn phòng kể chuyện nhau nghe trên fb, tôi nghĩ mình không cần gì hơn. Ba mẹ sinh ra tôi dưới chòm sao khó hiểu nhất với nhiều bay bổng nhưng cũng cho tôi một nền tảng vững chắc để tôi đứng trên mặt đất mà vẫn luôn có thể mỉm cười. Những bay bổng tôi sẽ để dành trên những bức hình không khuôn khổ, trong những bài viết chỉ có 5 đứa đọc. Dù thế nào đi nữa, đó cũng là những bay bổng của tôi và chỉ cần vậy thôi là đủ lắm rồi.

Tôi đã gọi điện cho him. Chúng tôi nói chuyện với nhau khoảng 10' về buổi coi film ngày mai. Who knows how it's gonna go, but it doesn't matter. Just let it be I guess. For the first time, I see myself on the verge falling for someone. We are so close to something here but again, it's not something to say ahead of time. Because fate is meant to be looked back.

And if you keep looking at one point long enough, anything you do though how contradicting it may look, will lead you to where your eyes wanna see. And if you find yourself somewhere different, don't worry 'cuz you will feel just as happy after all that you've been through :). That's what I'm telling myself these days. I don't know about its validity yet, but we'll find out. 'Cuz I'm experimenting every day.

Anyway, ngày mai, chúng ta vẫn tiếp tục chở nắng đi khắp nơi chứ?

It's 90 degree over there and 34 over here.

My mèo mướp mập turns 20 today. I wish her belief. In herself and Him, whom she has chosen to trust. And of course, in us. Always.

Friends are having fun there. I can feel it every day all the way here. Because we know we have the most quality time whenever being together, there's not much left to say about how we're gonna hanging there, I'm not gonna say for the rest of our lives though I truly think it should be that way no matter what, so yeah, for a long long long while.

How are your teeth doing Hiền? hahha I know it must hurt like hell but it's worth it. You'll have the most beautiful smile and lose some weights too, so until the pain is all gone, put up with it for a little. Beauty doesn't come easily. Not that we're not already pretty and way too cool.

My goal is to wake up early enough to get ready before Sasa comes to pick me up to the library at 9 and work for at least 6 hours. I asked her for a ride since it's supposed to be snowing and super freezing tomorrow. Yến if you're praying tonight, please save me a prayer that I will be able to make it back to my place tomorrow afternoon. And, nếu tao chết, hãy chôn tao dưới gốc cây anh đào.

Haven't heard from Hà for a while. She said she would get online when I'm done with finals and now school starts in less than a week and still we haven't got to chat. Don't know how it goes with all her hq guys. By the way, you're hair is getting way toooo long Hà. Are you gonna get a hair cut? I just trimmed my bangs again today hehe

Trúc mập, we need to get down to business and have a conversation one day. You're always out, and even if you're home, you still have tons of errands to run @.@ You need to get on your computer, the real one, not the 12-key-laptop ok?

And Đại will never even know the existence of this blog but I'm just typing out here. He has turned to a cool guy friend to us. Remember some point in junior high when he was such an asshole and we tried our best to stay away from him? Dude I still don't know what became of him those days but I'm glad whatever that was didn't last 'till today.

Bottom line, I'm going to bed. Need to get up at 7.30.

Ooooh, I really love that marinade I came up with. So so so good when it goes with beef. Simple yet splendid. Can't believe I'm talking about cooking these days haha

Okey doke, have a day full of sunshine. Stay cool!

quick write before bed

Though I woke up kinda late today (went to bed late last night) but I think it was a productive day. Got up, showered then walked to the library and got there at 1.15. I planned to stay there 'till 5 but there wasn't much to do so I got home after 2 hours or so I think. Cooked. Worked out. Learned some Korean.

I love my spinach, hard boiled egg, potato salad. My dầu giấm has always turned out pretty delicious ever since I started making it. I made spaghetti too but I'm pretty sure it isn't as good as what you guys had.

Waking up on Sun to Hiền's post on my wall, I was touched. I don't know. I thought I could just be cool and having fun, but how fun all the fun we've had made me realize "this is not something to play". We're going to the movie someday this week, Friday I think. Since he deleted my number in order to make sure he wouldn't call me everyday and he planned on me calling him first then he would get my number back... I have to be the one to contact. Yến said I wouldn't do it. But I will Yến à.

I'm actually used to cooking now. Maybe because I have nothing to do these days so I kinda enjoy doing it. I even wish the supermarket were next to my place so that I could get anything I want to make tons of food at anytime.

Tụi bây, I'm thinking about opening a bakery of our own someday seriously. I know right now we can't say anything. We're still in school and have nothing in our hands, but yeah, when we're done with college and have gone out to the real world for a little while, could we give it some serious thoughts? Because it would be sooooo much fun seeing you and pretty little cakes everyday. Life would be sweet in every way. And who wouldn't want a sweet life?
And yeah, I happen to be a Gemini, the most complicated sign of the zodiac. I know it's weird, but I believe in Horoscope. And reading it is like a way to confirm to myself of who I am so that I can believe more in that self of mine. It's good to learn how to appreciate yourself.

Wondering when I'll get the legs I want @.@

because it's not a break up

Something happened guys. Something happened.

We're not gonna hang out much anymore. I mean he and I. It's me who made things awkward.

Yesterday, we were hanging out like any day we did before, watching movies, talking, being lame, laughing...When we got done with the second movie, we talked about something like what we were gonna do after graduation and such and I was telling him I wouldn't know how I felt after I left. It hit me all of a sudden. What about us? If we're feeling so comfortable hanging out together now after a semester, then after 2 more years, we'll know much more about each other and get so used to being together. Things would go that way, so I had to make a turn. I sat up, getting ready to go home. Didn't say a word. Turned my back and walked away when he asked for a hug like he always did. I said no.

We talked things through today. I said we had been hanging out quite a lot and I didn't want it to turn into a habit. He said he understood, it's ok if I don't want to talk or hang out anymore. He said he'd miss it but he'd live. He said we should just give ourselves a little time. I said yes.

Because things are getting to feel serious and we both don't want anything at this time. Because I keep asking myself "what am I doing? where is all this leading to?". Because it startles me how much he cares.

He's probably still puzzled now, how I suddenly acted that way. I didn't plan it. It was a spur of the moment. After I got home last night, I convinced myself that I would be fine the next morning, all that feeling would be gone. But I didn't. Neither did that heavy feeling inside.

I didn't know that I would feel sad. This is not even a break up, since there's nothing to break up from. But something feels heavy inside and it brings me down. A little bit I hope.

I need to be on my own and keep my head straight.

We'll still hang out, just not as much. We'll still talk, he just won't call. Spring semester starts in less than 10 days and it will keep us busy, so I guess I will be fine. We'll be fine like we were, just missing everything at times.

"I'm sorry I made it this way between us. I really am."

And yes, that's what happened.

update you

Cuối cùng Thảo cũng đã có thể thức dậy đi làm sau nhiều ngày ngủ tới chiều. Thật khủng khiếp tới nỗi I hate myself.

2 tuần nữa đi học rồi, thật ra khá là mong chờ học kì mùa xuân để nộp đơn đăng kí học bổng dù không biết có được không. Với lại, nhớ cảm giác quá trời bài và căng mình lên học nữa. Life would be boring if there were no stress at all. Mùa xuân này học 2 môn toán, Calculus 3 và Applied Statistics, và 2 môn vi tính, Web Programming và Programming Language. Môn Calc 3 tới 5 credits nhưng chỉ học có 2 ngày thứ 2 và thứ 4, 5 rưỡi tới 7h45. Bình thường một lớp có 1 tiếng 15 phút mà tao đã mơ màng tới trời, huống chi giờ thêm một tiếng nữa, tao sẽ làm sao để không buồn ngủ nhỉ? Còn cái môn Web Programming nữa, tao sẽ phải gặp lại ông thầy Unix trong căn phòng Unix... Well sometimes life leaves you no choice. But I think I will be able to ace this class though, it's programming after all and the textbook looks pretty useful so hopefully I'll have a chance to impress him "I'm not that stupid sirrr".

You know, my favorite time of a day is to turn on my laptop after I get out of the shower every morning. Amazing how facebook conversations could be so real. Yes this is so cheeeesy and cliché, but life has been more than awesome to have brought us together 'cuz not that many people could proudly say "I have friends". Yess I'll be home soon :)

It seems like I'm gonna move to a 4-bedroom apartment this summer. The rent is pretty cheap, $311, I can save more than a hundred bucks for three months each in the summer. It's gonna be so weeiiird living with other people. I'm kinda nervous. This place has been so cozy and familiar that I feel totally at ease. It's like my little own world, boring at times but it's nice and clean and on a cool location. Sighhh Yến how many times have I told you to move here with me?

I like hanging out with him. It has become so natural whenever we're together. We laugh and make each other laugh. I feel so comfortable being with him now that it's funny to recall how awkward it was the first day he picked me up to his house. Whatever it is between me and him I dont know or it doesn't have a name, but I'm having fun and I'm happy with it. Whatever it is between me and him, I'll just leave it there and let it be so that we have something to look back one day.

I worked for 4 hours today. Just wrote call numbers and stamped on books. Gonna have to shelve tomorrow, my least favorite part. You wouldn't think but you get dizzy after a while shelving. Really.

Oops forgot webcam is on and I'm picking my nose hihi.

I picked up my Social Security Card today too. Felt pretty cool to see my name on it.

I'm glad you guys are having a good time and being 'tíu' all the time. Sincerely.

I know this is super random but Bảo Trân's handwriting is freaken beautiful man

@.@

K bye. I'm done babbling here. Nite!

tuyết không rơi vào đêm Giáng sinh

Nghỉ ở nhà một tuần, tôi chẳng làm gì nhiều hơn là ngủ và vật vờ. Thật ra, cũng có những buổi sáng tôi thức dậy lúc giữa trưa, bò ra khỏi giường chui vào nhà tắm rồi mặc quần áo, đi bộ đến thư viện. Ở đó, tôi xếp government document lên kệ, những tập tài liệu gần như không khi nào được check out nhưng cũng không thể vứt bỏ vì trong đó lưu giữ lại những việc xảy ra hằng ngày của một đất nước. Điều đó làm tôi nghĩ đến mẹ. Vì nhà tôi cũng đầy rẫy những tài liệu như thế và chị em tôi luôn gào lên mỗi khi dọn dẹp nhà cửa. Có hôm tôi ăn một chút gì đó trước khi ra khỏi nhà. Có hôm tôi cứ thế xông ra khỏi cửa. Mẹ không có ở đây để cằn nhằn về chuyện ăn uống của tôi.

Đã lâu rồi tôi không đọc sách. Cuốn sách be bé Kira Kira hồi đầu học kì còn siêng năng bỏ vào balô mang đi học, trong khi chờ giáo viên đến lôi ra đọc vài trang, được mấy bữa rồi thôi, đến giờ vẫn chưa xong. Tôi tính đọc The Lake, vì đó là cuốn sách về hai người gặp nhau trong khi nhìn ra cửa sổ. Chẳng biết có hay nhiều như tôi đã tưởng tượng không, nhưng việc nhìn thấy nó nằm yên ắng trên bàn cũng đủ khiến tôi thấy yên tâm vì mãn nguyện.

Tôi cũng không chụp hình nhiều như trước nữa. Phần lớn là máy Sony người ta tặng mẹ cứ giựt giựt mỗi khi cần. Phần nhỏ là ít khi đi đâu hoặc làm gì cảm thấy muốn chụp hình. Đôi khi đứng trước gương, tự thấy mình cũng dễ thương thì cũng cầm máy nhá nhá vài tấm, và nhiều khi không bao giờ đưa ảnh vào laptop. Những người mau chán vẫn thường như thế đó.

St.Louis chưa có tuyết rơi thật sự bữa nào. Đêm Noel mà cũng không khác gì đêm hôm qua hay đêm hôm kia. Dù sao cũng thèm Kbbq với sushi. Hay có một tô bánh canh cua càng tốt. Chả hiểu bị gì mà dạo này thèm bánh canh cua hơn thèm phở.

Có lẽ tối nay tôi nên pha trà và nằm dài trên sofa đọc sách trước khi đi ngủ.

Những ngày này, tôi không viết được nhiều.

well,

I don't know. I'm a little bit down today. Yesterday too. Finals all went ok. I got two A's already.

My right wisdom tooth is hurting me again.

Mướp left tonight. I called her by google call. It was sweet of her to say that she's afraid she won't be able to talk to me much. It always feels good to know that you have real best friends around you, you know?

Ok, the fact is, damn, I like him. Not good. Cuz I was always trying to deny it to myself but now, I have to admit it. I don't know, the fact that I like him that much to be able to admit to myself kinda knocks me off my feet a little bit. It's cool and it's sad at the same time when we do care about each other without promising anything. We have nothing to promise to each other anyway. You know, I haven't got to my twenties, he hasn't had his career yet and we don't belong to a same place. I guess that's the most uncool part. I guess...

Well, what always happens? Life.

Have the best of the nicest time of the year you guys.

I'll get better stories for you later.