because it's not a break up

Something happened guys. Something happened.

We're not gonna hang out much anymore. I mean he and I. It's me who made things awkward.

Yesterday, we were hanging out like any day we did before, watching movies, talking, being lame, laughing...When we got done with the second movie, we talked about something like what we were gonna do after graduation and such and I was telling him I wouldn't know how I felt after I left. It hit me all of a sudden. What about us? If we're feeling so comfortable hanging out together now after a semester, then after 2 more years, we'll know much more about each other and get so used to being together. Things would go that way, so I had to make a turn. I sat up, getting ready to go home. Didn't say a word. Turned my back and walked away when he asked for a hug like he always did. I said no.

We talked things through today. I said we had been hanging out quite a lot and I didn't want it to turn into a habit. He said he understood, it's ok if I don't want to talk or hang out anymore. He said he'd miss it but he'd live. He said we should just give ourselves a little time. I said yes.

Because things are getting to feel serious and we both don't want anything at this time. Because I keep asking myself "what am I doing? where is all this leading to?". Because it startles me how much he cares.

He's probably still puzzled now, how I suddenly acted that way. I didn't plan it. It was a spur of the moment. After I got home last night, I convinced myself that I would be fine the next morning, all that feeling would be gone. But I didn't. Neither did that heavy feeling inside.

I didn't know that I would feel sad. This is not even a break up, since there's nothing to break up from. But something feels heavy inside and it brings me down. A little bit I hope.

I need to be on my own and keep my head straight.

We'll still hang out, just not as much. We'll still talk, he just won't call. Spring semester starts in less than 10 days and it will keep us busy, so I guess I will be fine. We'll be fine like we were, just missing everything at times.

"I'm sorry I made it this way between us. I really am."

And yes, that's what happened.