last Sat of Nov

So we talked for a couple of days. He and I. It turned out so awkward. We had nothing to do with each other anymore. I guess. And his apology though I wanted to take it seriously, just could not convince me. He got me annoyed. Don't step in and out, stop being on and off. Who does he think he is? I am not that junior high girl who could think about him all the time anymore. He's not that guy whose words would make my whole day either. If we can't carry on a conversation, then don't bother. What is between us anyway?

I remember that day waiting for my #6 bus at the station across from LHP. It was some day early in 10th grade and I was thinking really hard about all the whole thing about us. I couldn't even find a word to describe exactly what it was and until now, I don't think it could become anything. I decided to spell the end of my childish crush. The thing I had for him stopped there. The first time I fell for someone stayed behind my back since then. I am now a freshman in college. That little 9th grader no longer exists. I've been looking for her for a long time but what is gone is gone.

I cherish the fun and happy time I had when I could not see no one in the crowd but him. But I'm done here. It makes no sense at all trying to hold on to everything. He even said we could never be like we used to and agreed that we are now two distant people. I already knew that long before but it didn't make the truth he spelled out less dull. Not because of the truth but because of his late realization. Since when he has become so careless.

I am going to change into my pajamas, brush my teeth, wash my face and jump to bed now. Getting back from New Jersey, it doesn't feel like I had a whole week off at all. I am soooo tired. The town always confuses me. I step in its area, and my faith, my fun, myself are dropped out and left on the outside. To be honest, I wish I could be home for Christmas, spend the night with friends in some lame coffee shop talking about the good old days so that when it's time to say goodbye, we gain back the purest faith for life. I wish to find a simple yet sincere connection between people here more than anything. After all, no one can stop it, the fact that some people come to each other because there are benefits.

But I've made my decision to live as sincerely as I could everyday anyway. I can't think of other way to live so, if they say I'm not wise, well, sorry, there's nothing I can do about it.

I miss you guys so freakin much friends!

November is cold.