"we'll be fine i'm sure"

The truth is, it just struck me how some people's existences have been gradually fading in my life. I don't know how many times I've told myself this, but I just wanna spit it out once again, it's amazing how easy it is for people to cut the string of  kinship they once held. Part of me understands that's just how life is, another screaming "I don't get it people!". Life has it own mysteries even though one could grab all the rationality with just one hand, doesn't it?
I've grown into quite a perfectionist. I know. It wouldn't do me no good. For I keep wanting everything the way I want, the way I think to be the best and it makes me an irritating person sometimes. I'm fully aware of all that but I happen to be a stubborn one and for now I kinda don't wanna change the way I live. I'm young, I believe I should make some mistakes. And being young seems to be a good excuse for everything a 20 years old does. I'm 20. Sometimes I feel the yearning to make mistakes arising within me. The yearning to just head forward no matter whatever it is that's waiting ahead of me without thinking too much about all the reasoning laying behind. The yearning to live a life that whenever I hesitate before doing something, I would say to myself "why not?". I mean, why not?
I have good friends. I mean the really good kind of friends. Good thing I have them as friends because I don't really open myself up to anyone. By anyone I'm kinda implying my family. I mean I love them. I am grateful for all the things they have done for me to become the person I am today. I could be a little eccentric, my way of seeing the world could be a little off but I don't find it unpleasant, or should I say, I take pride in it most of the time. Just like how my parents can't fathom why I hardly speak the whole day, I don't understand why they wouldn't let me have my hair dyed or my ears pierced. I'm pretty sure I'm no bad kid though I tend to get difficult and rude sometimes. I've been told to be smart too. What difference another hair color or another hole on my ear can cause to my personality? Another reason to appreciate good friends is that I can air my feelings out. All kinds of feelings: mad, upset, pissed, interested in someone...because I find it awkward to say things like "hey he is so sweet to me" or "I don't know if I like him or not" even to my sister. To think about it, we've never had that kind of heart to heart talk, never shared things in such serious and sincere manners. I'm not blaming when I say what I'm going to say now, but I wished my parents had asked me how my day was at school, who I had made friends with or what we did in school when I was little. I'm so used to keeping things to myself now that if they ask too much, I'll get annoyed. Not on purpose,    it just happens that way. It bothers me too but what can I do? You know, it doesn't matter blood-related or not, you can only open to some certain people who actually listen to and hear what you're saying as well as what you're not saying.
I've been home for one week and a half. It's hot here. Every time I turn on the AC for 17 degree Celsius, people would walk in and make a comment about how freezing it is but seriously it feels like a spring breeze to me. Don't tell me I've been Americanized. I got back from where temperature drops below 0 in winter so don't mind me ok? Everyday I have that feeling I want to do something. Something like taking a bus downtown to see how the streets have changed through the window, then wandering around bookstores to pick out some random books and read non stop until I turn the last page. Or cooking a decent meal so that my parents would believe that I wasn't just bragging when I said I could cook. Say this is one lame excuse I don't care but the heat's been holding me back. Just the thought of walking around downtown under this burning sun rays makes me shiver. My face hasn't gotten much better either so I'm hesitant to go out. Breaking out is no fun and it's a pain not to have nice skin. Ask me how I know? I'm a girl after all.
And not having a schedule for daily basis is pretty boring I must say. I mean it's a better feeling when you wake up and have school or work to rush to. You know, when you go out and do something, carry on some responsibilities, you find yourself more complete.
Anyways, isn't it too much babbling already?
It does feel good to be able to write about random stuff after a while.
If only I had a story, I would be willing to sit here the whole day to write about it. Seriously.
Too bad I don't have one, so good night for now world!