labyrinth

At the age of 19, I think I'm done with my life. Not that I'm going to kill myself or anything, I just...don't know what to do anymore. I don't wish to die, rather than that, it would be so much better if I could vanish into the air like smoke and leave no trace of existence on earth..

Except for a bowl of rice with soup, I haven't had anything in my stomach for a whole day. I don't intend to starve myself to death, I just can't eat. Again, I fall into the state that I don't want to communicate with anyone. Just leave me.

I know after all, nothing looks too bad. But not now, not the time being. Can't I just feel sorry for myself a little? Can't I just burst into tears and scream out loud and say I hate life and I can't take it anymore? I'm not that strong. I'm not that tough to keep tears falling on my face. Words hurt more than anything you could imagine, they stab through your heart and you really think everything good is broken in pieces and the world is a dark place that you will never find your way out.

I don't ask for a perfect family. A normal one would be fine. Totally fine. A family that when I cry like I have no control over myself anymore, my father would get startled and say sorry that he has said those ruthless things to me. A family that doesn't have this much property, doesn't take much from my grandparents, my parents to gain. A family that isn't too well-known in town, so that when I think of letting go of something, honor and pride and prejudice wouldn't get in the way. How easy it would be?

But life is never easy. It is more about how you get over things and then looking back, you would say to yourself "Well, that was tough, but I got through it huh?". And I appreciate how life gives me my precious friends. Though I'm still hurt, but a cool beer with a friend who was willing to pick you up when you need and didn't ask much about what happened. While I was half drunk half sober, I knew I would get by.

I still need time. Do Geminies always have their minds all over the place like me?

For a while, I may not come home. It's a little selfish, but I've made up my mind. That's a way to save money and time too. This time, I think I will try harder about everything: studying, taking care of myself, cooking, staying calm, waking up earlier, being far from family and friends... Because I can feel life itself is getting harder already.

Hey my 19th year, don't you think you've been a little too aggressive to me? Cool down my last teenage year. I'm not that grown-up yet.