Aug 6, 2009

All of the sudden, I feel so lost. It didn't happen on the day I got my first step in the US. It didn't happen on the first day my sister went back to Missouri. It didn't happen on the first day at school, when I was surrounded by tons of students who've already known what to do and how to do everything. It is today, another sunday here or exactly the 3rd sunday. I woke up this morning, images of the dream yesterday still in my head, and then, my mood wasn't good at all. It was just all of the sudden and I had no idea why. I'm all alone now.
Another school year has started, here and there. I'm here. And they're there. You know what, "I" is singular and "they" is plural. OMG !
How am I supposed to do everything right from the first time ? Everybody has their first time and it is, for sure, so hard. Why do they treat me like I've already known everything ? I couldn't hear ppl's name through the phone. HOw could I ? I just have been here for 3 weeks, how could I get familiar with all the names in English ?
So far, I haven't felt so excited about anything. Everything is all arranged. I wasn't nervous when I first got here in the US. I was supposed to be nervous. But unluckily, I was not. Because I knew how it would be. I knew how the house I would spend 9 months look like. I knew the ppl I would live with. I knew the view. I knew which school I would go to. I didn't have the feeling of excited, of waiting for the info of the host family or sth like that. And I hate it.
Ppl keep talking that I'm lucky. No. I don't feel lucky. And stop saying that it's time for me to grow up, to be mature or I don't have to worry about anything because everybody has taken care of it. Please don't say anything like that. 'Cause somehow it hurts.