the silly things we do

The silly things we do.
We count how many times they say they love us. How many messages they send us a day. And we try to figure out any hint of "wrong" hidden behind the words and start freaking ourselves out.
We wonder across all these miles and time zones, what are they doing? Are they having fun? Glad they you're having fun. Are they having fun without me? This late at night? How can they be having fun without me?
We have a million different questions, but at times none at all. All we're waiting for is words sent from the other side of the world. "hey". "lying in bed, just woke up". We adore the messages coming from their mornings. They wake up and they think of us. What's more can we ask for in this world?
Sometimes it's hard though. Like, really really hard. We crave the stereotype things people would do with people, so very badly there's an instant sickness felt in our stomachs, and we fight the emotions coming in the shape and sound of waves rising from where the sickness felt, passing through the ventricles of our heart, making its beating rhythm out of sync for a moment, and running straight to our now-getting-damp-eyes, demanding to be known publicly. We fight the dampness. We fight the subtle heat. We fight the salty taste from rolling down. The biological mechanism behind the emotions when we catch sight of a hand hold on the street. It's a tough fight.
A lot of time we're not sure if we say the right words. Words are tricky. They were intended one way, yet after crossing oceans and time and space, they come out another. All happens in an instant of hitting Enter. It's hard to anticipated how words are coming across on the other side of distance. But all we've got is words. All we can give is words. We can only hope that the feelings we send along, the caring, the longing, the missing we package in those simple words would make their way to them, that the difference in time and space won't strip what we mean along the way. We can only hope.
The silly things we do. Uncountable. So very irrelevant. Irrational. Carrying no sense. Yet, we keep doing the silly things. We tell ourselves to be strong when there are times we just want to be weak in their arms. We say, just a little longer as we're counting days and nights. We're our own therapists, (because hell yeah, we're pathetic and desperate and have no money to afford therapy) learning ourselves to trust more, to have more faith, not just in them but in ourselves. We've come a long way.
We choose this. We choose the silly things. Because the silly things feel true to us. Because in the midst of the chaos, the many self doubts, the lots of self second guessing, the silly things let us know we're never once unsure about them. We choose them. Time after time. We'd choose them over and over again. Until one day, the silly things we did turn out to be the wisest we've ever done.
Or not. Who knows if they'll stay silly for the longest of time. It's okay though, as long as they do the silly things with us too.
Much love.