Passed my driving test today. Man it felt pretty awesome to cross the freakin bridge without getting any points off. Life, for a moment, seems achieveable as long as we try hard enough.
Two weeks into the new job. Still not sure how I feel and there's a lot of confusion about how to do things. There's so much too learn, and I don't like not knowing. I have the tendency to panic over stuff I'm not knowledgeable about, or stuff I can't seem to be able to fathom enough to do smoothly. I tend to want to run away from things. I get jealous of Z sometimes. Not because he's smart and, well, knows how to do a lot of tech things I have no clue about, but because he's actually enjoying it. I feel intimidated by his pure joy over figuring out to do this and that with simple, and pretty, lines of code. I know I could never get to be that good. I lack the curiosity, the hunger for new information, and probably the most important, the wanting to dive in to know the not knowing. Not in this field.
I keep wondering though, how far, and how long, I could go along with this path. Wondering, if one day, when I can't stand wondering anymore, would I be able to start again. Would I have the strength to do it all over again. Would I find enough courage, enough passion to go through with it. Or is it just one of those impulses of youth? One of the many alternatives I imagine for myself hence, only stays pretty in imagination but never stays practical in reality. I do it again. Wonder and wonder again. It's like an endless cycle where I get caught in self interrogation. I want an answer from myself, but myself wouldn't speak the truth and keep shaking its head. A part of me already gave in. It says, "you won't be able to follow it through, simply because you don't want to. you want something different than this, you know quite well what it is". But the other part, which seems like the more rational one, gets back "how can you be so sure you'd be happy giving up? you're just finding excuses to run away from things that look tough. life hasn't even thrown you any curve balls yet, babe". Tell me, how can I be so sure?
Z knows that I don't like it. That's quite a relief I have to admit. It's like, I don't have to try to be interested when he's tech talking anymore. Okay, that came out wrong. It's more like, I don't have to try to make myself like it to make him happy. I'd always listen to what he had to say. I'd ask questions, very stupid questions and have him explain things over and over again for me because I hadn't quite processed it at once. I'd be excited to hear about what he coded, to see the outcome and to give him my opinions. Any of these would come from genuine feelings I swear, and he doesn't need me to be in love with it like he is, to know that I truly care, and that's comforting I think.
Mom talked about how she would send me back to school if I wanted to. Can't say I don't want to. But to say that I want to is to tell her I'll be away from home for a few more years, that she'll have to spend a lot more money on me when I'm not sure myself if I could do anything with what I learn. So I gave her a vague answer as always, "I don't know", which annoys the hell out of her every time, with a little bit of grumpiness and a pouting face. It pisses her off, but that's how I pretend I don't care for now. Very much like a typical teenager, not sure if puberty ever left me in the first place anyway, that's how I keep my cool in everything with her.
Okay, need sleep. Work awaits tomorrow. Kiss you goodnight world. You're so much more beautiful when night falls.
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