truth.

I still think I like reading and writing. The kind of reading for adventures of emotions and the kind of writing for airing feelings out.

I think I like to cook. When I'm not stressed out by school, cooking and cleaning up the kitchen are quite fun. I like to eat, of course, but my best people to eat with are not here with me. 

I like to watch movies and shows. But what I like more is to have someone to do so with me and to talk about the characters like we actually know them in real life. 

I like tea and coffee. I drink coffee only once in a while but its aroma always calms me down. And tea brings me that refreshing and cozy feeling. Holding a mug of hot tea in hand is how I tell myself that "everything's gonna be just fine". But it would be so much better to have tea with someone, to have those words spoken by that person and to be made believe that it's how it's going to be.

I don't know how to do anything cool like playing sports or musical instruments. Well I once knew how to play keyboard but the tutor was mean so I quit and now I have no talent to show off.

I know I'm scared sometimes. I'm scared that I forgot how to bring myself close to other people, I forgot how to make friends and forgot how to let people in. 

I want to ask JL why he hit that "add friend" button and started talking to me like it's a natural thing to do. We never talked in real life before, or even now we barely get the chance. And not that I have that friendly look on my face, let alone there are days that I thought if I were other people looking at me, I would actually see the gloominess coming off in shape of a dark cloud around me. But I don't wanna get too personal towards him unless he lets me know that's what he wants to, so I'll restrain myself. He's a great guy in many ways I imagine a great guy should be, and I can't deny that even it's the faintest hope that he will ever have feelings for me, it's still lingering like a little secret sprouting inside me. And I know if it's not the case, I'll still be happy to have known such someone.

I seriously think I will have to write about us some time. These years and these changes blossoming inside us like a really personal spring that we can only share to some certain people, those that we never have to let in because they've always been a part of our world. We are still so young and confused, and I can't tell if this confusion will subside in a year or two, or even a much longer time, but I'm glad at this moment, we're confused, and together. What will become of these 8 months I have left here, I don't know. I doubt anything really significant is going to happen but after this, I believe home will happen. So will we and life. 

After all, we're only 20. And 20 is a confusing age. 

"it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down as the one that's gonna pick you up"

How do you define a person? How do you tell if the person you know is there. I've been watching  Grey's Anatomy again and there are some cases the patient is breathing with machine help and the doctors tell the family that the person they know is not there anymore. I mean, how do you know exactly?
So this morning, I was heading downstairs to shelve books, the police officer was coming towards my way. We never really talked. I don't know his name and I doubt he knows mine. I saw him and he saw me. I continued to walk my way. He said how come I always walk past him without saying hi, it makes him feel like I'm angry. I told him I usually walk straight without looking around, and then greeted him. To tell the truth, I went to Nguyên's birthday party last night and some guy there got on my nerves a little bit and it still bugged me this morning, so yeah, indeed I was a little bit angry this morning. The officer seems friendly. He likes to talk to people. But I'm not friendly. And I don't just talk to people if I don't know them to a certain level because I can't think of anything to say. And I mean it, I literally have nothing to say.
I don't know why I'm feeling pissed/annoyed after his comment on my attitude. Properly he was right. I should have just said hi. But I didn't. And what he said bothers me still. I have a tendency of not trying to keep "bubble" connections. Whenever talking to someone, I want to pay real attention and interest to what they say. I want to say what I mean. But what's the big deal about saying hi? I don't know. I don't know why I didn't say hi to him. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I think he's right but I don't wanna be wrong or because I think he shouldn't have made my Friday some what unpleasant with his comment since we don't really know each other anyway. I don't know if it's not right to not be friendly.
So what defines a person? Is my cold/impolite/rude attitude gonna be the officer's perception of me now? I'm just afraid that I don't know how to know a person anymore and what makes it worse is that I'm not putting effort into it. I feel like I've fallen out of line, the line that connects people together in a circle and I'm not in it. The people inside would look at me with a frown "what is she doing drifting out there?". And that's scary. To think that you're not in the circle and to wonder if you've forgotten how to be in are scary. Because  you don't know if the real you is the one inside or outside that circle.
I went out for bubble tea with Cuong and Thuy today. Trung doesn't want to have anything to do with Thuy anymore because of some dramas so he didn't go. At the party yesterday, it looked like everyone there knew about their dramas and that surprised me. I guess gossips about drama travel pretty fast huh? And they still called Thuy and sent someone to pick her up and then she came and then no one really wanted to talk to her. Why would you do that? If you don't like someone then don't get involved with that person and make he/she feel uncomfortable by acting noble. It's not noble. It's arrogant. It's fake. It's the generator of crappy drama while you're giving yourself the excuse that you're being cool. I personally think Thuy is alright. There are some misunderstandings that you just can't justify yourself because the obvious things on people's mind are just against you. I'm not particularly close to her nor do we know each other enough to share things but whenever I see her, we have decent conversations. I don't know if she's not trustworthy as Trung said but after I saw what I saw last night, I don't think they are any better. They say Thuy is fake, but what about them? Did they sincerely want Thuy to come over? I don't think they didn't. I know they didn't.
It's getting late. I should get started with homework.
Blogging is still worth wasting time on though.