I dont know. Just some super random stuff on a Sunday.
So I suck at dancing of all kinds. Jeezzz, why do I have to be in the dance crew anyway? I SUCK so badly that I am freaked out just to think of that day on stage. I am gonna mess up somehow. Common', there are other people who can do that waaaay better and get it waaaay faster than I do, why do they keep using the very vague excuse "I am busy" to throw that job on somebody else's shoulder?Lucky for them, I am just that type of people who doesn't know how to say NO. That is how I am once again not honest to myself and know nothing else to do but typing to the only place I can speak my thought out loud. Finding some one to say something straight from your heart and understand you is not easy at all. You can go thousands and thousands of miles in this world and may see nobody around you. Just you laugh everything off like nothing matters at all.
And I thought of how I felt so lost at times. I will graduate from college, then what? I will be going to work, then what? I will make money of my own, then what? That question, "then what?" has been dancing in my mind since when, I never noticed. What I notice and scares me the most is I rarely see the answers. Where have all the dreams and hopes and philosophies gone to? I guess somewhere belonged to yesterday. I am now 18, but why am I so indifferent to life?
I thought of love also. Quite a private joke with my girls, we usually make fun of the singleness of every single of us and laugh till we cry when it comes to the part we would wind up living with each other in that tiny house until we die and no one would even care. Long story short, Mr. Right is hard to find. 18 years old, I say I am negative and waaaay rational about love. If I fall for someone, he must be able to make everything positive and possible in impossible ways that I have no more reasons to question about. I happen to be picky, what can I do about it? [shrug]
Hey hey, out there there are people who just want the best for them and it seems like they always do the math in their heads, which I am not capable of understanding how they can do that. And in order to deal with them, I am forced to calculate everything too. I try to avoid as much as I could though, but there are times you would be taken for granted and people acting like you never get mad and that is so not cool. [sigh] Why do this world have that many people and it is freaking hard to know if someone is worth your respect?
Questions, questions, and questions. Maybe that's all the 18 year me keeps playing around with. Later, there will be a 19 year old me, a twenty something me, a woman me, a pepper and salt haired me, a no-toothed me...I wonder if those mes are the same or different persons. Will they be thinking about me right now?
