the one and only reality

"Oh shit, why can't I fall asleep now?" - She said.
"I know, weird. I thought I couldn't keep my eyes open till the very end of the movie".
"Want to turn laptop back on and watch another movie?!"
"You're crazy!"
Nights of so wanting to fall asleep, yet every nonsense coming out of our mouths at those moment when we could barely keep our eyes open was so very much worth it that it somehow felt sad to finally give in to sleep. It was a kind of drunk, except there was no alcohol intake. It was a kind of high, except we didn't take any magical plant for it. It soothed me a little bit. Me and my little heart, not sure if broken yet, but it's comforting to know that there's still a support system, very strong system indeed, for me to lean on. But what's more assuring is, I know that I would want to be the same for them when needed, that I could be them when they are me. that they would find comfort from me, too.
"Maybe I should just forget everything about the States and start to live like a Vietnamese".
"You can't. As long as he's there, you can't".
"Sigh, I know. Just saying".
It has been 7 months. It has surpassed the 6-month period. More than half a year. I don't know, it' kinda something, right? Everything is so different this time last year. I wanted to finish school and go home, and have a life. Now that I'm out of school and home, and have a job, still not sure if I have a life yet. How do you define the phrase "have a life" anyway? Because for me, there's this uncertainty in everything that I finds it hard to put everything of me into it. The thing is, I know there's nothing I should be complaining about. And it bugs me like a bed bug. I have a job. It's not too exciting of a job, but hell, first job is supposed to be crappy anyway. Family has been very loving. And friends have become and extension of family. There's really nothing for me here to be upset over. If only I could cut out all the him-related parts. If only.
"Why don't you just go ahead and learn about cooking? Why do you have to keep thinking about too many things?"
"I don't know. I guess I would want to do something that could help my family out and not too out of me league".
"Why do we keep running around in circles with our thoughts? Why do we always wait for something horrible happens to say, 'If I could get out of this, I would do this and that'. Why can't we just do it, like right away?
"Gosh stop asking! I'm no better than you in answering those questions."
"Okay. Let's turn off the lights and go to sleep".
"Yeah."
I guess the thing about people is, we tend to push things off. We know Death is waiting ahead. We know he could come anytime. Any unexpected moment. We never know when we're going to get trapped in an elevator. We never know when we get on a plane and it's going to crash, or get shot down. We never know if an accident is going to happen on our daily route, even given the horrifying state of traffic. We never know anything. Do you think people on those plane crashes lately thought they were going die when they got on the planes? I don't they they did. They were just visiting family. On a business trip. Going to a conference to find a cure for AIDS. Reuniting with old friends. Going to kiss and hug their lovers. Going back home. Going somewhere new. There are so many possibilities that could have happened, many of which don't involve dying with shattered bodies, but the only reality that happened is, they all died. Tragically. And many of us here had a moment of "what the hell is going on? Is this world still a safe place?", but do we start to spend our living time to visit our parents more often, to catch up with friends more regularly, to say "I love you" and actually mean it to the people we love? I don't think most of us do. Do we?
"We always feel like giving up when some little thing goes wrong".
"In my mind, I would like to imagine all the worst case scenarios so that I would be better prepared when it actually happened".
"Do you find yourself better prepared?"
"No, not at all. If anything, I find myself more unarmed than ever".
"I know".
We're never ready for anything, are we?