I've been the most pessimistic girl in the world for the last couple of days. Not good. But I just can't bring myself up. Something's still holding me back. I'm not usually like this. Really. This is not the first time my family has issue but what the hell, I can't seem to let it go easily like I used to.

July is rolling away with these rainy days. Waking up tomorrow, it's August. 2 and a half weeks left here, I'm feeling some kind of relief. Don't get me wrong, I love being here, love being able to see friends often, love hanging out, love laughing together. The Dalat trip this year is the most joyful thing I haven't done for a real long time. And those days seeing you guys, I enjoyed every moments of them. But right now, I just need to go.

I'm having a dream. And I'm dreaming about it seriously. My dream goes like this: I want to live in a little house of my own surrounded by a little garden. The house is designed openly, so bathroom is the only separate room. In the garden, I would have 2 or 3 tall trees, the kind the would cast cool shadows on a sunny days. I would plant some flowers. I also would have something comfy to lie down to read books on weekends. Perhaps it would be right by one of those tall trees. Will you come help me straighten things up when this house is no longer a dream?

At least, first a dream. Somebody has said.

Hope you have the most beautiful dreams in your life.

labyrinth

At the age of 19, I think I'm done with my life. Not that I'm going to kill myself or anything, I just...don't know what to do anymore. I don't wish to die, rather than that, it would be so much better if I could vanish into the air like smoke and leave no trace of existence on earth..

Except for a bowl of rice with soup, I haven't had anything in my stomach for a whole day. I don't intend to starve myself to death, I just can't eat. Again, I fall into the state that I don't want to communicate with anyone. Just leave me.

I know after all, nothing looks too bad. But not now, not the time being. Can't I just feel sorry for myself a little? Can't I just burst into tears and scream out loud and say I hate life and I can't take it anymore? I'm not that strong. I'm not that tough to keep tears falling on my face. Words hurt more than anything you could imagine, they stab through your heart and you really think everything good is broken in pieces and the world is a dark place that you will never find your way out.

I don't ask for a perfect family. A normal one would be fine. Totally fine. A family that when I cry like I have no control over myself anymore, my father would get startled and say sorry that he has said those ruthless things to me. A family that doesn't have this much property, doesn't take much from my grandparents, my parents to gain. A family that isn't too well-known in town, so that when I think of letting go of something, honor and pride and prejudice wouldn't get in the way. How easy it would be?

But life is never easy. It is more about how you get over things and then looking back, you would say to yourself "Well, that was tough, but I got through it huh?". And I appreciate how life gives me my precious friends. Though I'm still hurt, but a cool beer with a friend who was willing to pick you up when you need and didn't ask much about what happened. While I was half drunk half sober, I knew I would get by.

I still need time. Do Geminies always have their minds all over the place like me?

For a while, I may not come home. It's a little selfish, but I've made up my mind. That's a way to save money and time too. This time, I think I will try harder about everything: studying, taking care of myself, cooking, staying calm, waking up earlier, being far from family and friends... Because I can feel life itself is getting harder already.

Hey my 19th year, don't you think you've been a little too aggressive to me? Cool down my last teenage year. I'm not that grown-up yet.

a joke

It usually rains at night lately. When all the lights are out, sitting all alone under the sound of those rain drops falling against the roof makes me feel safe. And I know for sure, despite the existence of pains, there is nowhere else I can't see the close kinship I see in everything here. I mean, you can't run away from pains anyway, you should pick someplace you like yourself the most there to spend your life. I need a place I can come home everyday, a familiar bathroom I can take care of business comfortably and a bedroom I can just lay down not caring about any scary things in this world. After all, I'm not much of a traveler.

Marriage is a complicated matter. Can people be a little bit more honest these days?

While I'm seeing through all the truths, they still think I'm a kid. How hilarious? Don't they ever think how bad it would hurt me? I'm fine being a kid, but totally not when seeing people act their shows. And they suppose me to be positive, to believe in good things in life. What a lame joke.

Self-esteem people. You've got to have some kind of self-esteem. Don't embarrass people around you, those whom you call you're family.

Geeezzz, I wish you got it.

summer heat is burning

Sometimes, the only thing I ask from my parents is to leave me alone. But they just can't never seem to fathom that. The more I want them to leave me alone when I'm not in any great mood, the more they keep talking about what I don't even know. Why do they have the right to get angry and say whatever they want to say and don't give a damn how awful they sound to other people but when it's my turn to be mad, mom always tells me to stop and fake a smile, pretend to be happy so that dad wouldn't start to blame everything on her? Why am I not allowed to be mad at the place so called "home"?

I need some space to mull over thoughts, and some time for anger to pass me by. There is no way I can stop anger. It comes and stays there. I can only wait until it goes. Do they ever get that?

Well, I guess these are the first tough days of being 19. Growing up is bitter and sour every once in a while, huh? But the will to lead a happy life hasn't faded in me yet. I don't wanna someday be like most grown-ups around me. I have seen them sigh and hear the words "put up with life" too much already. I am not one of them, and I will do the best I can not to. I am 19. I want to be positive and roll toward a future which I will make bright. I don't think I'm being too demanding, or am I?

Dear parents, you should know it would be abnormal if I were totally fine. Just the thought of that chick having screwed around here is enough to make me burn. I am so mad that I think I wouldn't hesitate to slap her right on the face real hard with all the strength inside me if she were in front of me right now. Even though I know it would hurt my hand.

And myself too.

I turned 19

I left off the entry I was working on on my birthday. I didn't really know what to tell. Nothing much has happened over the course of 19 years. I haven't done anything great nor achieve something big in life. And the spell of time doesn't fall only on me. It falls on my parents too. 19 years has passed since the day they first had me. Sure they're getting old.

Sometimes when I have nothing to do, I found myself imagining my parents 19 years ago. I happened to be a girl. Thanks God for this, otherwise I would have to bear the name I don't like at all for the rest of my life. Not that I'm particularly fond of the name I have now, but at least, it's a decent one and most of my friends rarely call me by that anyway. I wonder if my parents had any arguments over the names they picked for their children. I wish I could remember how it felt like to see my parents for the first time. How happy were they? How did they look at me and hold me in their arms? But you know, maybe there weren't such memories in my little brain at the time to begin with anyway. How could a person know such things?

So now I'm 19 years old, going to be a sophomore this coming fall. I never had a boyfriend and not sure if I'm going to have one in the near future. This single life has its own attraction. And I'm being drawn to it. I don't want to share my life with anyone. I don't want to fall out of my regular orbit. I don't want to have a new hairstyle, worry about my outfit, wait for a phone call because of some random person in this world yet. Right now, it's not a problem.

Anyway, I like being 19.

Even the sound of it sounds nice.

tôi và những mơ ước

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Tôi mơ một ngày nào đó, nếu tôi buồn, tôi có thể với tay lấy chìa khoá xách xe chạy vòng vòng, tàn tàn ngắm phố phường bụi bặm như một người trưởng thành.

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